


In Flux

by weatherworn



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, OT3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 01:18:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9469094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatherworn/pseuds/weatherworn
Summary: Johnny doesn't know where he stands, both in his personal and professional life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Played with the timeline of who is rooming with whom, including I'm assuming Taeil and Taeyong becoming roommates way earlier than they actually were, for convenience's sake.
> 
> Blaming you know who again for this.

Johnny never really thought of himself as having to need people to survive. He'd been on his own since he was 13 years old and so many people have come and gone, in the ever revolving door of the kpop entertainment industry, that he's learned when to invest in his friendships and when to let go. That isn't to say he isn't prone to attachments and at the end of the day, he is very sentimental, despite his best efforts to grow out of it. But he feels he's struck a pretty good balance these days between pragmatism and the force of his own emotions.

Until Taeil.

\--

Taeil didn't stand out among the new batch of trainees culled from another year of global auditions, not at first. Everyone was giddy and excited and young, but Johnny felt the opposite. He felt aged from his time with SM, like he had to grow up too fast. The training they had given him, both in academic schooling, dancing, singing, and having to learn an instrument, had been rigorous and rigidly structured. They strongly discouraged romantic relationships between the trainees, but sometimes it's inevitable when so many people come together, especially as young and reckless as they were, free from their parents for the first time. Johnny kissed a girl for the first time at 15 and she had been 17. And a boy when he was 16 and he realized he liked them too.

Maybe it's because Johnny feels he's been around the block that Taeil appealed to him once he got to know him. Everyone else seems so young and naive and inexperienced, but Taeil is older than Johnny, more mature, no ego to throw around, and he's smart. And his voice. It's what everyone aspires to but can never achieve unless you have the Talent. But despite this, Taeil is also approachable, which is rare. He'd through an arm around Johnny and ask him about the current novels that he would be reading, genuinely interested. He'd go with Johnny for late night candy runs at the convenience store and he'd laugh at most of Johnny's jokes, which Johnny appreciates. And after Johnny finds out that he won't be in either the first NCT U or 127 album, Taeil is there to listen to him talk about what he was feeling. It isn't anger, or resentment, or jealousy, but a sense of resignation and disappointment that creeps in, even though Johnny should be used to it by now. 

It's hard not to fall in love with Taeil.

\--

Johnny drinks up the last remaining dregs of milk in his cereal and washes the bowl to put away. On the way out of the ktichen, he grabs the book he'd left on the table to bring with him to practice. 

When he gets there, he can see that Taeyong and Taeil are already there, huddled together at the center of the dance studio room, watching something on Taeyong's phone. Taeyong says something and Taeil throws his head back and laughs, shoving Taeyong away. Taeil catches sight of Johnny through the wall mirrors and whirls around with a smile. "Youngho, you're here," he says, last vestiges of laughter on his face. Taeyong grins at Johnny.

"We're watching our interviews," Taeil explains when Johnny takes a seat in front of them. "And Taeyong keeps saying I have to talk more."

"You do!" Taeyong insists. "Look at this, you're letting Yuta take up all your screentime, and he has enough as it is."

"I really don't mind," Taeil says. "He's way more entertaining than I am anyway."

"Don't let him hear you say that," Taeyong warns. "He has a big enough head as it is. At this point, I don't know how he fits through doors."

Johnny watches this without saying anything, his fingers worrying the edge of one of the pages of his book. Taeil and Taeyong are like two peas in a pod. Their physical build is similar, with Johnny standing next to them sometimes feeling like an oversized ogre, but they also have an easy banter that Johnny wishes he also had with Taeil. For not the last time, Johnny curses the language barrier he has, and the limitations he has because of it. No matter how much he speaks and practices Korean, he won't have the some comfort level that everyone else whose first language is Korean has.

Several more members have started to trickle in and Taeyong turns his attention to them, leaving Taeil and Johnny alone. Johnny feels something inside unclench itself. He finally has Taeil to himself.

"So, how are you doing?" Taeil asks, turning to Johnny. "I feel like we haven't talked in a long time, we've been so busy with promotions."

That is another thing that Johnny tries not to let bother him, but it still does. Promoting the first NCT 127 and U album practically back-to-back means that Johnny rarely ever gets to see Taeil anymore. And it also means Taeil and Taeyong spends almost all of their time together. Johnny never thought of himself as someone who got jealous like this, but a lot of things are different when it comes to Taeil.

Johnny shrugs and musters a smile. He knows it's unreasonable to be angry at Taeil, or Taeyong, or the entire situation. But he still feels like shit. "I'm okay," he mutters. 

Taeil looks at him, concerned. He reaches out and touches Johnny on the arm. "Youngho, what's wrong?"

Johnny shakes his head. He would die before he'd say anything about what he is feeling to Taeil, or anybody for that matter. It seems so petty, so grade-school of him, to be jealous of his friend's relationship with someone else. "Let's just practice," he says, withdrawing his hand from Taeil's touch. He finds himself mourning it, nevertheless.

\--

Ten jumps onto Johnny's bed and bounces a little, letting the momentum ride out. "What's wrong with you, Johnny?" He asks in English. "You used to be fun!"

"Yeah, thanks, man," Johnny says, dryly. "And you used to be less annoying."

"Oh, my poor feelings," Ten says, falling into a faint on the bed. That's one of many things that Johnny likes about Ten and it's that he doesn't take anything too seriously. They can rib each other until kingdom comes and neither would take offense. "But seriously," Ten continues, propping up his head with his elbows on the bed, looking up at Johnny imploringly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Johnny says resignedly. "I just want to debut, that's all."

"You will!" Ten says. "They said you're going to be in the next 127 album, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but you know, I want to debut now," Johnny admits. "Haven't I waited long enough? I waited longer than any of you guys and you've already debuted. I just feel like I'm being left out." He sighs and rubs his face in frustration. "Ugh, god, sorry for being a debbie downer. Fuck."

"It's okay," Ten says, soothingly. "I can understand. You WERE around longer than any of us and you deserve it. You're going to be great and so many people are already waiting to see you debut. It's on the internet if you don't believe me."

Johnny smiles, appreciative. "Thanks, kid," he says. He pauses. "You wanna make some more chocolate cupcakes?"

Ten brightens up. "Uh, hell yeah. Let's do this." He jumps up and dances out of the room, with Johnny following, feeling a little better from his conversation with Ten. Ten tends to have that effect on people.

\--

Sometimes, Johnny catches Taeil without Taeyong in tow and they'd talk, like in old times when Taeil first arrived to SM. Taeil had been so quiet and wary in the beginning, like many of the other trainees when they first come. But he has a habit of doting on the younger members, and that is what had opened him up.

"I'm really excited about you joining us for the next album," Taeil says, throwing his arm around Johnny's shoulder, having to reach up, even seated together on the couch in the living room. "It's going to be a lot of fun."

"Yeah," Johnny says, relaxing into Taeil's warmth. "Was it what you expected, hyung?"

Taeil thinks about it. "It's a lot more work than I expected. I mean, I didn't think it was going to be easy, but waking up at three in the morning to get ready is fun for no one." He smiles fondly. "But the members and the fans make it worth it, I think. I have a lot of fun. And Taeyong is a good leader."

Johnny sours at the mention of Taeyong. He pulls away from Taeil's shoulder. He only gets Taeil to himself when Taeyong is not around and even then, Taeyong still gets attention from Taeil, even when he's not here. 

"Youngho," Taeil says, sounding hurt. Something else about his tone of voice catches Johnny's attention. "Youngho, I'm sorry if I've got the wrong idea, but are you jealous?"

Johnny snaps back to look at Taeil, shocked and he can actually feeling the color drain from his face. "W-what? What are you talking about?"

Taeil looks apologetic. "Taeyong and I were talking about how you've been acting around us lately. And he thinks you're feeling left out about not debuting. I agreed, but then he also said that you were jealous. I asked him, of what? And he told me to talk to you."

Fuck, Johnny has to hand it to Taeyong. Even when people think Taeyong's not paying attention, he is. Johnny could tell from the start that Taeyong has the eyes of a keen observer, taking in everything but never letting anything out, unless it's on his own terms. Until his own scandal came out. And Johnny realizes why he's like that.

Johnny debates how to proceed. He can be honest, but he isn't sure he's prepared for the consequences. He can lie, but he never could lie to Taeil, and this is eating at him.

"I-I'm fine," Johnny finally says, avoiding Taeil's gaze. He wouldn't be able to stand it. "I _am_ jealous because you guys got to debut before me and you all seem to be having a lot of fun, and I do feel kind of left out, I guess."

"Youngho," Taeil says, putting his arms around Johnny, resting his chin on Johnny's shoulder. Johnny can feel Taeil's heart beating. "I know it's tough right now, but you're going to join us really soon. And I'll make sure you're going to get all the attention you deserve. And Taeyong will too."

Johnny tries not to stiffen at the mention of Taeyong again. "Okay," he says. 

He never said he isn't a coward.

\--

It's Taeyong who approaches him the next night, freshly showered after another full day of schedules. There are dark circles under his eyes and he is having a spectacular breakout. And yet, he's still looks objectively good looking to Johnny. He's torn about how he feels about Taeyong. By himself, as a unit without Taeil, Taeyong is a great guy to hang out with. He's fun and he clearly cares about all the members. And Johnny has to admit that he feels a tug of physical attraction towards Taeyong as he would feel towards any other good looking guy.

"Hey," Taeyong says, remaining standing in front of Johnny. He chews his lips before he continues. "I don't think I'm wrong about this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I've seen the way you look at Taeil. You like him."

"Of course, I like him," Johnny retorts, feeling a small wave of panic start to well up. "He's a good hyung."

Taeyong shakes his head, dark eyes looking penetratingly through Johnny. "You _like_ him. Don't try to deny it."

The wave of panic crests. 'I-I don't know what you're talking about," Johnny sputters. He launches himself up to his feet and looks down at Taeyong, trying to dare him to say anything more, using his size to his advantage. "You're crazy. How can I like another guy?"

Taeyong's face softens then with sympathy, but he stands his ground. "It's okay, Johnny. It's okay. I like him like that too," he says quietly, and stares at Johnny.

Johnny feels unmoored and a little devastated. He's had a suspicion that what Taeyong felt for Taeil isn't purely platonic. What chance does he have against Taeyong? "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because," Taeyong says, "I think he likes you too."

\--

This is how Johnny finds himself in Taeil and Taeyong's shared room. 

Taeyong had sighed and just told Johnny to follow him. And Johnny had followed, his body moving with a mind of its own. Perhaps that is for the best, because Johnny sure as hell couldn't decide for himself what to do.

"I got him here, like you told me to," Taeyong says with a put-upon frown, ushering Johnny in and closing the door softly behind him. Taeil is on his bed, in his pajamas already, his hair still wet from the shower. 

"Thank you, Taeyong," Taeil says, ruffling Taeyong's hair affectionately when Taeyong drops onto the bed beside him. Johnny looks away, feeling like he's intruding on an intimate moment.

"Youngho," he can hear Taeil say gently. He hears Taeil shuffling closer. "Youngho, look at me."

It takes everything in Johnny to look up. He must look miserable because Taeil's face smooths with understanding. "So, what Taeyong said is true," Taeil says. "You like me. How long?"

Johnny can't believe he's having this conversation and even more so, that Taeyong is in the room with them, watching with an interested gaze. He swallows. His mouth feels dry. "I don't know, maybe since I met you."

Taeil makes a sound in the back of his throat and closes the gap between himself and Johnny. "Can I touch you?" He asks tentatively, looking up at Johnny uncertainly. Johnny never wants to see that face on Taeil. He nods.

Taeil throws his arms around Johnny and Johnny clutches back, bending down to burrow his face in Taeil's shoulder. He feels a huge weight falling away. He doesn't even care that Taeyong is watching.

Taeil's eyes are looking a little watery when they part, and Johnny swipes his thumb across his cheek. "Hyung, don't cry." 

"I'm not crying, you're crying," Taeil says, his voice wavering. 

"You're totally crying," Taeyong trills from the bed. He's smiling, his eyes brightening as he looks between Johnny and Taeil.

Taeil ignores Taeyong, but he's smiling too. "Why didn't you say anything, Youngho?" He chides.

Johnny is now acutely aware of Taeyong in the room. He looks up to find Taeyong staring back at him, assessing. Finally, Taeyong gets up and stretches. "I'm going to stay in Youngho's room for the night. You guys talk." Johnny watches him exchange a meaningful glance with Taeil before sparing a brief look at him and shutting the door behind him as he exits.

Taeil pushes Johnny towards the bed. "Here, have a seat first. Do you want something to drink?"

Johnny shakes his head and looks up at Taeil, who is still standing. There is a deceptive plainness about Taeil that makes people think he's uninteresting and even Taeil would readily admit that about himself, but something about him also drew Johnny to him. The heart wants what it wants. He tries to find voice to speak. "Now you know."

"Now I know," Taeil says softly. He sighs and wheels a desk chair over to sit across from Johnny. "What else did Taeyong tell you?"

"That he likes you too," Johnny says, heart sinking. But then he remembers what had driven him to follow Taeyong to Taeil's room in the first place. "And that, that you like me." He stares at Taeil. "What did he mean?"

"I never knew you felt this way, or else I would've-" Taeil stops and shakes his head. He leans forward and takes Johnny's hand in both of his. "Taeyong and I--"

That is more than enough for Johnny to hear. He gets up before Taeil could finish, pulling his hand from Taeil's grasp. "Okay, I don't think I need to hear anymore. I get it."

"No, you don't," Taeil says calmly, still seated. "Or not all of it. Would you let me explain?"

"What's there to explain?" Johnny says, anger welling up like hot acid. He turns to face Taeil. "You're just going to tell me you and Taeyong are together. I never took you to be the type of person who would rub it in, hyung." 

Taeil's face is unchanging and inscrutable. "You remembered what Taeyong said about how I feel about you. It's still true, whether I'm with him or not."

Johnny scoffs, anger and hurt swirling together into a pain that he's never felt or want to feel again. "You're not even making any sense."

He's trying to look everywhere except at Taeil, too angry, so he doesn't notice when Taeil reaches over and slips his hand into Johnny's. His grip is warm and sure. "I mean, I like you both very much. I can't imagine being in NCT without either of you, or any of the other members. But both of you are very important to me. I want--well, it doesn't really matter what I want. It's about what you want."

Johnny looks back at Taeil, confused. "What do you mean?"

Taeil's gaze is steady. "You can have us both, if you want."

\--

Johnny wakes up, not feeling like he's slept at all. And he has an arm in his face. 

"Ugh," he says, gently moving the arm away. It belongs to Ten and everything comes crashing back to Johnny. 

He had stared at Taeil, wondering if he'd heard right. "You want," Johnny started to say, disbelieving. He doesn't even know the word for it in Korean. "You want both of us."

Taeil nodded. He dropped his hand and looked down at his lap. "I know it's...unconventional, but I needed to lay out the options to you."

"And what does Taeyong think about this?" Johnny asked, genuinely curious. He could not possibly imagine Taeyong being completely okay with this...sort of arrangement.

Taeil looks back up at Johnny. "He's willing. If you are." 

Johnny needed to get out of here, to make sure this wasn't some sort of bizarre dream where Taeil is actually suggesting a threesome relationship with both him and Taeyong. "Um, I-I have to go," he managed to sputter before escaping the room.

He didn't even remember how he got into Ten's room or Ten's bed, but he did somehow remember during the tumult of last night that Taeyong had taken his bed for the night and no way in hell can he face _him_ at that moment either. Ten had stirred drowsily when Johnnny climbed in beside him, and had gone right back to sleep when he realized it was just Johnny and had shoved some of the comforter over for him. It took a long time for Johnny to go to sleep.

"Johnny?" Ten asks, blinking an eye open from his side of the bed. He squints at him. "What are you doing here?" His words are still blurry from sleep.

Johnny swings his feet over the edge of the bed, and starts getting ready to head back to his room. He knows Taeyong would be gone by now, since both he and Taeil have full schedules today.

There is no way he can say anything to Ten. He might traumatize the kid for life and he'd probably never believe it anyway. The bed next to Ten's is empty and already made.

"I-I just needed some company," Johnny says and combs his hair back with his fingers. "Thanks for letting me stay."

"Anytime, bro," Ten says, yawning and rolling back over to sleep.

He retreats back to the solitude of his room, Doyoung now gone too with the rest of NCT 127, with...Taeil and Taeyong.

It still hurts thinking that his suspicions are confirmed. That they have moved beyond friends now. No wonder they had seemed to be even closer than before, casual touches that nobody would notice if they aren't paying attention. But Johnny paid a lot of attention.

And how could he break into a relationship like that? They were only doing this, either because they're crazy, or they feel sorry for Johnny. For always being the odd one out. Neither prospect feels very good.

His phone buzzes and he knows right then it has to be either one of them. He feels torn between dread of reading it and curiosity about what else they could say to him that could sound more ridiculous than last night. Finally curiosity wins over. He fishes his phone out from the pocket of his hoodie.

Taeyong:

**We need to talk.**

Is it just Johnny, but is everything repeating itself all over again like some kind of recurring nightmare?

\--

Johnny decides to hear what Taeyong has to say. At 11:30PM, he heads back to their room and knocks. 

It's Taeyong who opens the door, his face sharp with seriousness. Johnny couldn't help but feel chastised already. He walks the rest of the way in, feeling more awkward in his body than ever. Taeil is nowhere in sight. Johnny doesn't know whether he feels better or worse about that.

"So you guys talked last night," Taeyong says straight out, walking around to face Johnny.

"Don't you think this sounds a little crazy?" Johnny blurts out, feeling like he can really let it out on Taeyong. He doesn't have to spare Taeyong anything, since Taeyong now has everything and Johnny nothing. He's got the career and he's got Taeil. 

"Did growing up in America give you a permanent stick up your ass?" Taeyong says coolly. "Because that's what it seems like to me."

Johnny takes a step towards Taeyong and even he knows that his size can be threatening if he puts it to use in that way. And he's never felt more like punching somebody. "Are you fucking kidding me right now? I don't know what your problem is, but--"

Before Johnny could react, Taeyong is on him, shoving him up against the wall. Up close, Taeyong is not actually as small and his body is wiry and lean, tense with corked energy, threatening to spill out, and his grip is strong. "Listen, I know you're upset that things didn't go the way you expected." Taeyong's voice softens. "I _know_ , okay? You thought that if Taeil feels something for you, it'll be for you and you only. That's not the way some people work. That's not the way Taeil works. He loves everyone so much and he cares about you a lot. He never stops talking about how you're finally going to debut and how happy it would make you. I want you to be happy too and I want you to succeed because you've worked so hard for it."

Johnny is stunned silent and he stares at Taeyong. The anger and bitterness that had been churning over and over again inside him starts to dissipate as he lets Taeyong's words seep in. Taeyong releases his grip as he feels Johnny relax, but he stays close. 

"Johnny," Taeyong says, softly now, unbearably kind. "I, separate and independent from Taeil, also want you to be happy. And I see the way you look at Taeil. I do, but I'm not going to give him up for you. Because I love him." He looks up to stare directly at Johnny, as if to challenge him. "I love him. But I am willing to let him go if that's what he wants. And I'm willing to share him too if that's what he wants. And that is what he wants. That's already better than what I had hoped for, or expected."

Johnny feels sideswiped by the gravity of what Taeyong is saying. He suddenly remembers an anecdote his mother used to tell him as a kid, one that he's also heard other times over the years. That if you love something, you should let it go. If it comes back to you, then you know it belongs to you. That's what love is. It isn't about doing what you want, it's about doing what they want. What Taeil wants. 

"Fuck," he says. He slides down the wall until he's sitting, his legs propped up in front of him. He uses them to support his head. "Fuck," he says once more, emphatically and in English.

"Hey, I know that word," Taeyong says amiably, plopping down next to Johnny. He seems to have gone back to his happy-go-lucky self right after everything he'd revealed and Johnny couldn't help but admire him for it. He reaches out to tilt Johnny's face towards him, his hand gentle. "Look at me, Johnny. I'm asking you to think about what I said. I know you're angry with me because you think Taeil only cares about me. But that's not true. I also know it's hard to think of relationships in terms like that and I'm not asking you to accept me too. But..." He trails off. "But don't reject Taeil completely because of me. I've caused enough trouble for people in my life as it is."

\--

Anytime Johnny has a dilemma or stress he doesn't know how to release, he'd go running. It helps him to stop thinking for a while and clears his head. He puts all the pent up frustration and aggression into the pounding of his feet against the pavement, trying to outrun his problems. He runs until his legs are protesting and his lungs are burning. 

He heads back to the dorms to shower and change for dance practice. 

It's been two days since Taeyong had spoken to him and he's replayed the conversation over and over in his head. He's given some thought about how he would feel being in a relationship like that. His reservations are based on the premise that Taeil wouldn't actually be committed to it, that his feelings for Johnny wouldn't be the same as Johnny's are for him. But he knows intellectually that Taeil is not that kind of person and that underpinning all his doubts is his own insecurity. He thinks about Taeyong and realizes it's no longer anger or jealousy that he's feeling. It's...begrudging admiration.

He sees the rest of the members already gathered in the practice room and joins the formation, but not before high-fiving Mark in greeting and smiling at the others, even Taeil and Taeyong, although he doesn't let his gaze linger for too long. The practice room and recording studio has always been where personal business is strictly off limits. If you had issues with another trainee, it had to be taken outside, so you don't distract others. 

During a break in between, Taeil slides across the floor to him by paddling his arms like he's rowing a boat. It's unbearably cute, but even Johnny can see the tentative movement of his body. "Hyung," he greets, taking another gulp of water.

"Youngho," Taeil says with a small smile. "How have you been?"

"Good," answers Johnny, returning the smile, which seems to enliven Taeil a little bit. He straightens and slides the rest of the way over. "How about you?" Johnny asks.

"Tired, but good," Taeil says. He does look tired, worn around the edges from non-stop schedules. He looks like he could use a good rest. Johnny reaches over and slides his knuckles across Taeil's in silent sympathy.

"Come to our room tonight?" Taeil says, his voice hesitant but hopeful. Johnny could never refuse Taeil when he's like that. He nods. 

\--

Taeil and Taeyong are both present when Johnny slips into their room later that night. Johnny is surprised to find that he doesn't mind, not after everything that has happened.

Taeyong is sprawled on his bed, doing something on his tablet. He sits upright when he sees Johnny and looks past him at Taeil, who is behind Johnny, having stayed by the door when he had opened it for him to enter. He now shuts it quietly behind him. Taeil walks over to his desk and fishes something out of the drawer to hand to Johnny. It's a bag of Skittles. 

"Hyung," Johnny says, fighting back a smile. It's the stupidest and most personalized peace offering Johnny has ever gotten. He takes it and puts it in the pocket of his sweatpants. 

"I knew you'd like it," Taeil says. And then they just...grin at each other. It's quiet, the apartment settling down for the night and Johnny feels completely calm for the first time since everything that has happened.

"Hyung," he begins and stops. "I'm willing to try, for you."

Taeil's face softens. "Yeah?" His voice is tremulous and quiet, but filled with hope. 

"Yeah," Johnny says, this time with conviction. He's aware of Taeyong watching them both. He's no longer uncomfortable with Taeyong's presence and a part of him even yearns for his approval. He looks over at him and Taeyong is grinning. He takes that as a good sign.

Taeil finally walks over, closing the distance. He reaches out and places his hand near Johnny's heart and looks up at him, eyes imploring.

Johnny leans down and presses his lips against Taeil, testing the waters first. Taeil responds and opens his mouth and the kiss gets deeper. You can learn a lot about a person's experience level from a simple kiss. He can tell that Taeil and Taeyong have definitely done this together before too, but instead of feeling the stab of jealousy, Johnny groans at the image of Taeil and Taeyong kissing, because even he had to admit, that is hot. And he no longer feels the same resentment towards Taeyong, because he gets to have Taeil too.

Somehow, Johnny finds himself pressed onto the bed, not quite recalling how he got there. His senses are overwhelmed with the smell of Taeil's fresh scent and his warmth, and he feels pleasure stir in himself. This is Taeil, someone he's yearned after for so long and whom he never thought he could have. 

Taeil presses a final kiss to Johnny's lips, his mouth lingering, and smiles down at him. He is so beautiful when he smiles, it hurts to look at him sometimes. Then Taeil yawns. And looks both mortified and sheepish. Johnny watches this with fascination.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Youngho," Taeil says, scrunching his nose in embarrassment. "It's been a long day."

Taeyong tsks from his bed, leaning languidly against the wall on his side of the room. "No stamina. And you want to get with both of us. I don't know how you're going to be able to keep up, am I right, Johnny?"

Johnny finds himself laughing while Taeil turns to glare at him, betrayed. But his face turns wicked. "Maybe," Taeil says, sitting back on Johnny's thighs and tapping his finger to his chin, pretending to think. "Maybe I'll watch while you guys kiss. You know, so I can just sit here and recoup my energy."

Johnny looks over at Taeyong to gauge his reaction to the suggestion. He finds himself wondering what kissing Taeyong would feel like. Would it be anything like with Taeil, warm, gentle, and familiar? 

He sits up, keeping his arms around Taeil to keep him from toppling off from the movement. "I'm willing to try," he says, caught up in the moment.

Taeyong looks surprised, but then his face becomes fierce with determination. He slides off his own bed and onto Taeil's, first leaning into Taeil's space to kiss him. They kiss like they're precious to each other and Johnny feels the pull of yearning to be a part of that.

Taeyong has a soft look on his face when he turns his attention to Johnny, as if Taeil had taken the edge off. Taeyong presses into Johnny's space and kisses him too. It's gentle and inquisitive, like he's asking Johnny if it's okay.

It's...okay. It becomes more than okay when Johnny feels Taeil's fingers running through his hair and stroking his face with gentle caresses, and he gasps into the kiss. He's feeling too much, overstimulated. He breaks the kiss and stares at both of them, surprised by the intensity of what he's feeling. 

"Okay?" Taeil asks, concerned. He reaches up and brushes Johnny's hair from his face. Johnny leans into the touch, closes his eyes, and nods.

\--

Johnny falls asleep in their room, on Taeil's bed, with Taeil in his arms. He falls asleep happy.

He wakes, coming into consciousness quickly, like he's always had. It's both a blessing and a curse because this makes him a light sleeper and he's always the first to wake up, but it also means he never has trouble getting up early in the morning during those days of 5:00AM wake up calls from the managers.

Taeil shifts in his sleep and presses closer into Johnny's body. Johnny tucks him in under his arms. Of course Taeil would be an aggressive cuddler. 

Johnny glances over to Taeyong's bed and there's just a human shaped lump of blanket with tufts of hair sticking out. Our great and fearless leader, Johnny thinks, fondness for both of them welling up in him.

He lays his head back down and goes back to sleep.

\--

Johnny continues to practice for the NCT comeback which marks his debut. He listens to the tracks in the album and watches rough cuts of the music video and is amazed that he's actually finally a part of this, that millions of people, and people back home in Chicago, are going to see. His mom is going to go nuts. He also can't believe they gave him a Rangers jersey and wonders what his dad is going to say about that.

His insecurities about where he stands with Taeil still floats to the surface when he sees Taeil and Taeyong together, without him, like he's being left out and left behind. But then on the nights when Johnny slips in to the room, he tries not to make it too often, they're both waiting for him.

They've just stuck to kissing and touching for now, testing what works and what doesn't between the three of them. Johnny finds himself enjoying watching them kiss, because it's like watching art in motion, the way Taeil has such a profound effect on turning Taeyong into a puddle of goo. Johnny knows how that feels. And he realizes that here, in the privacy of their room, that it's actually Taeil who's the leader, the person who's in control, not Taeyong.

One night, a few days before Johnny's official debut with NCT, they had been exchanging kisses heatedly between the three of them, when Taeil grinds down on Johnny and Johnny gasps and arches into the heat and pressure. "I'm so excited for you," Taeil says in between hitched breaths. "I want-I want to celebrate." Taeyong is seated next to them, watching with half-lidded eyes. He is playing with Taeil's hair, which has grown out and dyed dark red for the comeback. Taeyong smiles knowingly at Johnny, who thinks with the last vestiges of his functioning brain, that he looks kind of predatory like that. It makes his blood burn with lust and he drags Taeyong closer to kiss him. 

Taeil breaks them apart by shoving Taeyong gently to the side again, but makes up for it with an apologetic peck on the cheek, which appeases Taeyong a little and makes Johnny grin. "I want Youngho completely focused because I'm not going to repeat myself twice," Taeil says, imperious in his own way. "I want," he pauses for dramatic impact and stares at Johnny, an enigmatic smile spreading across his face. "I want Youngho to fuck me."

Johnny feels the wind knocked out of him. "Oh god," he says and realizes he said that in English.

"Have you ever fucked someone before?" Taeyong asks.

Johnny shakes his head. He's done pretty much everything except that, having exchanged blowjobs with a couple of other male trainees over the years. There was even a memorable time with Ten, which they both enjoyed, but only had time to do once.

"We'll take care of you," Taeil promises. He motions for Taeyong to get something from the drawer by his bed. It's a tube of lube and packets of condoms. Johnny swallows hard when he sees it because it means it's really happening.

"You'll take care of _me_?" Johnny squeaks. "Isn't it harder for the person being...fucked?" 

"Oh," Taeyong says, with a manic gleam in his eyes. "That's where I come in." He rearranges Taeil until they're facing each other and they smirk at each other as Taeyong takes Taeil's clothes off, piece by piece. Johnny watches, riveted.

Then Taeyong moves Taeil onto the bed next to Johnny, back against the mattress, and pushes his legs apart. It looks obscene and unbelievably hot. 

Taeyong reaches for the lube and coats his fingers with it, and bending over Taeil, his weight supported by one of his arms, presses his lubed fingers against Taeil's hole. Taeil gasps and arches into the touch, beautiful in repose. He nods for Taeyong to continue and reaches out for Johnny. Johnny takes his hand and holds on. 

Taeyong preps him with a confidence and ease that can only come from the fact that they've done this before. Taeyong watches for every little change in Taeil's reaction to his touch and leans down to press distracting kisses to Taeil's lips when Taeil grunts in discomfort at each additional finger. Johnny uses his other hand that's not gripping Taeil's to press the heel against his crotch, needing some pressure against his cock.

"Okay, okay, I'm ready," Taeil says, pushing Taeyong upright and sitting up himself. He turns to Johnny and melts into him, his naked body plastered against Johnny, who's still in his tshirt and boxers. His kisses are deep and sultry as he helps Johnny undress. Johnny's heart is pounding.

"Don't be nervous," Taeyong whispers as he moves to sit behind Johnny and slips his arms around him with the condom already out of the wrapping. He rolls it on Johnny's cock, touch gentle and sure. Along the way, while Taeil and Johnny had been kissing, Taeyong had gotten rid of his jammies too. "We're here for you."

Taeil nods and goes up on his knees and with a hot grip of Johnny's cock that has Johnny squirming for more, starts to ease down on it. The feeling of being enveloped in Taeil's heat is unbelievable and Johnny's never felt anything like this in his life. He leans back against Taeyong and Taeyong is there to hold him, keeping him grounded. 

When Taeil is fully seated on Johnny's cock, they're forehead to forehead, chests heaving for air, Johnny holding on to Taeil for dear life. "Oh god," Taeil whimpers and moves a little, which causes waves of pleasure to burst in Johnny. "Keep going," Johnny gasps. "Don't stop."

Taeil could only groan in response, but he doesn't stop. He starts riding Johnny, using Johnny to find his own pleasure, gripping his shoulders for support. Johnny stares at Taeil, unable to take his eyes off him, because this is Taeil on a whole different level, Taeil falling apart when he's usually so self-contained and in control. He groans at the thought that he's the one who's the cause of it.

The pleasure is mounting, it's at Johnny's throat and he wants to come so bad, but he doesn't want to until Taeil does. He clenches his teeth and thrusts up into Taeil. Taeil muffles a wail in Johnny's hair.

"Let me help you," Johnny can hear Taeyong say in his low voice. He feels Taeyong shift behind him and his hand brushing Johnny's abdomen. He keeps his eyes on Taeil, but he knows that Taeyong has wrapped his hand around Taeil's cock and is stroking him, trying to get him to completion. Taeil is making aborted noises in the back of his throat and he's starting to spasm around Johnny's cock. It won't be long now. 

Taeil bites down on Johnny's shoulder and his body tightens like a string, and then he's coming, his whole body shuddering from it. He doesn't stop shaking and Johnny gets worried. He runs his hand down Taeil's spine, trying to calm him. "Hyung?" He says, his voice coming out gravelly.

Taeil shakes his head against Johnny's shoulder and tightens his arms around him. Johnny can hear Taeyong whispering soothingly to Taeil. "Keep going," Taeil says. "Please."

It takes only a couple more thrusts into Taeil's heat and Taeyong rubbing his fingers against Johnny's nipples before Johnny's coming too, the pleasure rebuilding quickly before spilling over. He comes back to himself, slowly and in increments, sounds returning first and then touch and then finally he sees Taeil smiling down at him, flushed and sweaty. This is going to stay in Johnny's wet dreams for a long time.

"You were so good," Taeil says, tilting his head to nudge his nose against Johnny's face. Johnny laughs, and suddenly feels the full weight of exhaustion hit him after the adrenaline has worn off. But Taeyong is behind him, as always, holding him, them, up.

Taeil must've noticed, because he reaches down to remove the condom and discards it in the trash and, moving in tandem with Taeyong, rearrange themselves and Johnny until they're all lying down on the bed. Taeyong reaches down to pull the covers over them and settles in while Taeil reaches to turn off the lights, Johnny sandwiched between them. He still feels like he's moving languidly through a dream. He hope it isn't one.

The kiss that Taeil presses to his brow feels real enough and it reassures Johnny enough that he slips into a dreamless, deep sleep.

\--

The Limitless teasers and music video are released and the madness begins.

\--

Taeil is right. It's hard, having to wake up a 3:00AM to get ready for each music show and the promoting schedules are brutal and seemingly without end. But it _is_ worth it, to see the smiles on the faces of his fellow members, that they are getting to live the dream. The members make him laugh and get him out of awkward situations in interviews and on vlive, special shout-out to Doyoung. And he sees the seas of fans and could've never imagined the sheer amount of people who now knows his name and cheering for him. His mom does go nuts and cries with happiness over the phone with him and his dad jokingly threatens to disown him for wearing a Rangers jersey, as expected. 

And he gets to have Taeil and Taeyong, always beside him, with their lingering touches to show that they're there for him, that he belongs, as he had once seen them only do for each other, viewed from the outside.

It isn't always perfect, and Johnny sometimes still has doubts about where he belongs, especially when things get hard and everyone is snapping at each other because they're tired, or hungry, or annoyed, but he always realizes at the end of each challenge that is fought and won, that it's worth it.


End file.
